Last Man Standing

- 31 mins
personal

I wrote the following during the infamous lockdown of COVID-19. Naturally, the goal was to create some sort of a journal or “war diary”, and obviously, I didn’t keep up with it. I found this a couple of days ago when I was cleaning my drive. There are so many things here that I completely forgot about. Times really have changed. In a way, the past always seems more beautiful than the present. Wonder why!

The writing quality of this pseudo-journal is really not that good. On that note, I have intentionally kept all the writing mistakes, along with those weird, complex sentences. I do believe these errors are also a part of the memory, like many of our wrong steps in different stages of life.

I don’t expect you to go through this whole thing. That will be a humongous waste of time. However, since you’re already here, I do want you to read one part. The lines you need are highlighted so that it’s easy to find.

The first case of COVID-19 was reported on 31st December 2019 in Wuhan, China. It’s been 78 days. According to worldometers.info, the total number of coronavirus cases is 208,471 among which 82,909 people have recovered and 8,312 have died. If by any chance, you are someone who still doesn’t know what coronavirus or COVID-19 is, you must be thinking the numbers aren’t that bad and there’s nothing to worry about. Well, if you look at the numbers, also look at how fast it has spread. Within these 78 days, it has travelled 100+ countries and infected thousands of people. The reason behind that is it is an airborne virus. This virus has started destroying everything. It has literally brought humankind on its knees. Most of the countries are in either full or partial lockdown. In my country, Bangladesh, all the educational institutions are closed. Everyone is advised to remain indoors but most of the people of this country are too dumb to realize the gravity of the situation. They are doing all kinds of things except staying at home. I am one of those guys who doesn’t fear diseases that much because I am a pretty healthy guy. I have never faced any serious disease and also, I don’t care about myself that much. That being said, for the first time, I’m afraid. I’m scared because this virus affects the elderly most which mean my parents and all the other aged people that I love and respect are in grave danger. As this virus is airborne, I’ve decided to not go outside without necessity. I am a part-time home tutor and because of this outbreak, today I have given all my students a vacation for an unknown period. I don’t want to be the reason for my parents’ ill-health. As I’m a student and for some days, I have nothing to do, I decided to start writing this where I’ll keep track of the impact of coronavirus on day-to-day life. I’ll keep doing this till this virus is no more a threat. So, here goes nothing.

Day 1: 18th March 2020(22:55)

Day 2: 19th March 2020(22:05)

As for me, I’ve finally started doing something useful and that is studying. Without all the rush, it feels like time has stood still and I’m not liking this even a bit.

Day 3: 20th March 2020(20:51)

I’ve started learning web designing again. Hopefully, I’ll finish the course this time and also I’m officially an “NSU ACM SC Web Team” member now. So, yeeee. Today Ayesha apu showed me a poem that she has recently written. It’s about people being not only about their insecurities and problems but also their achievements and hobbies. To be honest, it reminded me of my own biggest problem (which is stammering) and also my achievements. Interesting. That’s the best kind of literary work where readers can see their own reflection(I think). Nowadays, I spent most of the day talking to Anni. I don’t know when this “vacation” is going to end and I’m fascinated to discover that this not knowing is really pissing me off. Only thing I do regularly now is thinking I and people I love are safe from this virus. I’ve also become so paranoid. I’m downloading new games to pass the time. All I have left to study is mathematics and I don’t want to start doing maths now. On another note, tomorrow I’m having dental surgery. What fortunate timing, right? Well, I didn’t want to have this now but as my “sixth sense” tells me, everything will go under lockdown after a few weeks and then my unbearable toothache will begin. So, it’s now or after all these ends and I don’t know when that will be. Oh, I almost forgot, Jubayer has returned from the USA today. Ammu was so freaked out yesterday about what the armies would do to him about being in quarantine. Turns out, nothing happened. They let him go and advised to be in home quarantine. Surprisingly, I dreamt about him yesterday. I saw that he was so upset about returning to the USA that he was crying and we all were trying to console him. I miss those good old days when I and Juba were so close to each other. Time changes everything, right? One of those cold breezes that you usually feel on Spring nights is entering through my window. I really love this feeling. For some reasons, it makes me nostalgic. Lots of good old days’ stories are popping up in my head. I’ll tell them too. Eh, maybe some other day.

I’m starting a new section where I’ll keep track of all the things I’ve watched.

Day 4: 21st March 2020(22:51)

Another day, (almost) same story. Living with that same uncertainty. This thing is freaking me out. I guess this is what war times are like for non-military people. Of course, we don’t have the constant fear of getting blown up except for that I guess it’s pretty same. We don’t feel safe outside, neither do those people. I guess I’ve made my point. However, I’ve started playing Battlefield 1 and that game is amazing. One quote really hit me and that’s “The war is the world and the world is the war”. I feel like we are in a war with nature right now. Uh, I just want this to end. On the bright side, today my web team journey started. I was really excited about this. I think I’ll learn a lot from working here. Sami bhai also showed me his new recruitment and ACM portal idea which was mind-blowing. If we can pull this off, life would surely get easier. Let’s see how far we can go. There’s a storm coming. I can feel the smell that you usually feel before the rain. I love that smell. It makes me nostalgic. Well, my surgery got postponed. Dentist’s mother was in the ICU so he couldn’t do that today. I don’t know when this will happen. To be honest, I’m a little nervous this time. I wasn’t this nervous when my first surgery went down. Hopefully, everything will be alright. Everything.

Day 6: 23rd March 2020(22:06)

Time’s passing so quickly. Each day goes like wake up, work/study, play games, write and sleep. I’m running out of different ways to describe these daily activities. Today I’ve decided that I should start practising public speaking(minus the public). In order to do that, I’ve thought that I will google for some topics and I’ll be giving a speech on whichever topic comes first. I think I can take 2 minutes before the speech for preparation. That’s the plan. Now let’s see how much of this I can implement. The reason behind not writing yesterday was website works. I had to change some designs on the NSU ACM website which took a long time. So, I completely forgot to write. At first, I thought I would just write yesterday’s piece in the morning but then I decided against that. This should really reflect on daily life and that was a part of that. Even today, I had to work on the website. I’m really enjoying web designing and on top of that, it really helps me pass time in these boring days.

Day 7: 24th March 2020(23:03)

All the educational institutions are closed till 9th April. So, our online classes will begin soon. All this free time will go away once again. But I’m really worried about the exam system. How will they take exams online? I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I was starting to do well this semester. Everything else in my life is going great. Me and Anni fight over time to time. We had a pretty serious one last night but it’s all good now. Website works are also going fine. So, I said I’d start speaking practice today but I didn’t do that. Instead, I have made a list of all the movies and TV series I’ve watched so far. Till now, I have managed to list 43 TV series and (drumroll) 152 movies. I haven’t even started listing franchise based movies which are a lot. Man, what have I done my whole life? Watched movies? I’ll complete this list and see how long it goes and I’ll keep doing this. Then, when I get old I’ll tell the stories of these movies to my grandkids(hopefully there’ll be some). That’s it for today. See you tomorrow.

Day 8: 25th March 2020(22:02)

Nothing happened today. That being said, I spent about an hour today to find the best to-do app which I’ve been looking for weeks and I’ve finally found one. In case you need that, it’s called Tick-tick. I have also come across an interesting app named Dailyo. This app keeps track of how your day went and other day-to-day things like what kind of food you have eaten, whether you’ve exercised or not and lots of things like this. I really love it. There are five different moods you can select starting from happy to sad. At the end of the day, you just select the mood and fill out other sections and the app stores that information. It’s a real easy way to find out what kind of activities actually make you happy. Then. my whole day went as it daily goes. Web meeting. TV series. Gaming. Reading. Oh, I’ve started learning calculus from scratch. Sabbir vai posted a link of a video where calculus is explained simply and I’ve started to watch them. Hopefully, this time I’ll improve. That’s that. Nothing more to say.

Day 9: 26th March 2020(23:02)

Ugh, I just want this to end. Today is the independence day of Bangladesh. I can guarantee you that you haven’t seen an independence day like this. No raceme in the National Martyrs’ Memorial. No parade in the parade ground. Nothing. Today I have understood how much impact this fucking virus is having on everything. All those void have somehow made me depressed. The places that used to be filled with people are now deserted. It really looks like one of those “after Thanos’s snap” type scenes. I hope everything will go back to normal soon. On the other hand, all these abandonment have one good thing and that’s the healing of nature. Mother nature is recovering from all the wounds that we have made on her. I wish I could go to Khanpur now and sit and chat with my pals while enjoying this fresh air. Also, eat cheap and luchi. Ah, those were the days.

Day 10: 27th March 2020(21:00)

This day hasn’t gone well. I’ve done nothing all day except watching movies and playing PUBGM. I’m feeling so tired. Abbu is sick. It’s not anything remotely related to the virus but I’m still worried. However, that “fraktal” mess up came up today (I fucked up in doing something and that’s all I’m willing to say) and I’ve realised that is making me feel horrible. That was a good opportunity and I blew it away. You know what? Fuck it. It’s not like I did that on purpose. I admit I made a mistake but I tried my best at that moment. It is what it is. I don’t care anymore. Wow, writing about it really takes the load off. I’m feeling a little better. My self-esteem bar is rising slowly. If I try, I’ll get another job. Maybe that one will be better than this. On another note, the government of this country is doing almost nothing to make things better. They aren’t providing the doctors with the necessary equipment to treat coronavirus patients. Obviously, the doctors won’t do anything risking their own life. All this bullshit is making me frustrated. I’m not gonna write any more today. Sayonara.

Day 11: 28th March 2020(22:14)

Our online classes will begin tomorrow. Hopefully, time will pass faster now.

Day 12: 29th March 2020(22:22)

The number of coronavirus patients in Bangladesh isn’t rising anymore. I don’t know how to take this. A part of me wants to believe that and another part is thinking that that’s bullshit and the government is trying to hide all this. I don’t know. Many people have taken many initiatives to prevent the spread. Some are supporting them. Some aren’t supporting them. Some are being “pure Banglai” and criticising them without any reason. Among all these, I am just existing. I don’t know what to do. Studies are coming back and I ain’t feeling good about that. I thought I missed my studies and turns out, I didn’t. However, I’ve started playing games. I’ve spent almost 2 hours today playing Minecraft. That’s a good time killer. I think I will start playing other online multiplayer games as well. Let’s see how everything turns out.

Day 13: 30th March 2020(21:44)

I don’t even feel like writing these numbers now as I have serious doubt about their authenticity. Anyway, we’ll be moving to a new house tomorrow. I know it’s risky to change house at this moment but the later it is, the riskier it gets.

Day 18: 4th April 2020(–:–)

The numbers have risen dramatically since I wrote last time. These few days I’ve been busy and lazy. We moved to a new house on the 31st of March. To speak about our new house, I really like it. Especially I love my room. It’s smaller than the last one but still, this one’s better as I have an attached baranda and just outside a, neither so big nor so small, pond. It has a great view. I can see the tall buildings of Chashara from my room. It’s cosy here. However, there were many people in our house on the day we moved. Abbu’s students, labourers and other people who helped us to get settled in the new house. I was so nervous that day that I sat in my room almost all day. I kept washing hands after a few moments. Today I heard about many people in Narayanganj getting infected. This thing is spreading pretty fast. Is this the beginning of the end? Let’s just hope that the answer to that question will be in the negative.

Day 19: 5th April 2020(–:–)

Day 20: 6th April 2020(–:–)

Day 21: 7th April 2020(22:53)

As you can see, a lot has changed. The number of infected people in Bangladesh has crossed 150 and the figure representing the death toll is now in double digits. My district, Narayangonj, is in full lockdown. It has been declared as a “Red zone”. The condition of the world is worsening. Surprisingly, amidst all these, our studies are also going on. They have even announced the date of the final exam today. Although I believe that’s just a “holograph”. No real exam will happen on the announced date. Online classes are going on and I absolutely hate these classes. Most of the teachers don’t understand tech which leads to spending most of the class time in figuring out how to do something. Also, at this time, it’s somehow harder to concentrate on studies. I almost gave up writing this as I was writing nearly the same thing every day. Then I thought, if I die because of coronavirus, at least I will have this thing(or piece) to express how I was feeling and what I was up to on the last days of my life. I think that’s one hell of a souvenir to leave behind. That may not make much of a sense but right now, nothing does. It is what it is.

Day 22: 8th April 2020(22:29)

Look at those damn numbers. 54 people within a fucking day. I’m really tense right now. I don’t know how all this is going to go down. I’m that kind of person who always likes to predict things and wants to stay some steps ahead but now, man, I wish I could predict something. At least one tiny thing. But surely, I can’t. Dana White said the following in a video today “Every day I wake up and something has changed.” That’s how life is right now. Unpredictable. Just floating in a never-filling void. Always changing position. Even if it settles down for a moment, in the very next one, it goes to an entirely different place. Among all these, as I’ve said before, I’m just existing. Not knowing what to think. Not knowing how to think.

Day 23: 9th April 2020(22:14)

I’ve noticed that recently I’ve been playing games a lot. Half of the time I spent using my phone is by playing PUBG. Today I’ve started playing Ludo. Anni seems really into this game. It’s good to pass boring time. However, NSU has sent texts today informing that pre-advising has begun. I’m really frustrated with my study nowadays. I don’t know how all these are going to play out in the future. I neither have the mindset nor the willingness to study now. I just copy the assignment seeing solutions online and submit them. This is really lowering my self esteem. I don’t know what’ll happen. I really don’t.

Day 24: 10th April 2020(22:40)

All hell’s broken loose. Each day passes with the same uncertainty and stress. What a life!

Day 25: 11th April 2020(22:26)

Nope. Not today.

Day 26: 12th April 2020(22:57)

Every night when I fill these numbers, my mind sinks into a deep ocean of frustration. I just want people to have a normal life again. Of course, one day everything will become normal once again. Time will pass by. I will look at this piece and probably think “Ew, that was some creepy writing”. I am waiting for that day. Waiting.

Day 27: 13th April 2020(22:39)

One of my friends’ father tested positive for coronavirus today. All the family members’ will be tested now. I hope they get through this safely.

Day 28: 14th April 2020(23:04)

Today is 14th April. 14th April. The first day of a new Bengali year. If all these things that are happening now weren’t happening, this day would be full of colors and happiness. Instead, now it’s full of fear and stress. How the tables have turned! If someone had ever told me “You’ll see such a “Pohela Boishakh” when the streets will be deserted and there won’t be any music. Also, you won’t see people posting pics wearing panjabi and saree with happiness written all over their faces.”, I’d literally roll on the floor laughing. How the tables have turned! I guess, if everything were normal, I’d have gone to school today and meet my friends. After that, all of us together would go to a restaurant to have lunch. Then, probably we would have ended up in someone’s house and stayed there till evening. After sunset, we would definitely have tea at some tong and talk till some of us decided to call it a night. Ah..never thought I’d miss this day so much.

Day 29: 15th April 2020(22:35)

We’ve just crossed 2 millions. Wow.

Day 30: 16th April 2020(22:16)

Each day passes and the numbers grow.

Day 31: 19th April 2020(22:09)

Another day. Gone.

Day 32: 20th April 2020(22:22)

There are lots of things in my mind. For some reason, I just can’t make myself put them into words and write them.

Day 36: 24th April 2020(22:21)

Today is the first day of this year’s ramadan. Ramadan mubarak. For some reason, I don’t feel that excited about Ramadan, which I should. This is obviously a very big thing for muslims. For a whole month they fast during daytime. This has always somehow fascinated me. If any human being has ever told them to not eat, they would probably freak out and give one of those “my life, my rules” dialogues. Muslims do this only to follow Allah’s command. I know many of the muslims don’t understand the significance of this but this. Those people just do this because Allah will give them “sawab”. Ramadan is celebrated to understand the pain of hunger. So that the rich come to know what it feels like to spend a whole day without eating or drinking anything. Also, this is a way to make the wealthy people more sympathetic to those who aren’t that lucky. Now, here’s the irony. Most of the people will agree to the fact that they don’t feel that much hunger while fasting in ramadan. In other times, if they didn’t get a proper lunch, they would probably feel that lack. But, in ramadan, they can’t tell the difference that much. Interesting, isn’t it? Missing out the only thing for which they are doing this. Now, of course, ramadan teaches us the art of controlling ourselves which is very essential for any human being. Maybe, they also get more free time. Well, this time they have that. So, ramadan is the perfect time to eliminate any bad habits one has. That being said, in this ramadan, I’d like to complete the following goals: (1) Fasting for the whole month. (2) Complete GD50 course. (3) Record demo videos for 10ms. (4) Finish my math syllabus.

Not too bad, huh? Let’s see how much I can accomplish.

Day 45: 3rd May 2020(22:11)

It’s been so long. When I wasn’t writing I didn’t have any idea about the numbers as I don’t watch news or even follow this topic. I don’t know why I do that. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to worry about this. Well, it won’t stop if I don’t stay updated. Everything will go on as it is destined to be. Even though I’m not much of a “destiny-believer”, I do believe destiny is playing a role in our life now as we have no idea when we’ll be able to do everything in a normal way again. I know it’s a weird thing to say but I miss my “4 hour long” journey from home to university and back. I miss staring at the sky through the window of a bus while listening to music. Huh, funny how things work out. The thing I hate very much has turned out to be the thing I miss. I also miss meeting Anni. Our rickshaw travels. Our “dates”. I never feel comfortable calling our get-togethers “date”. I still can’t figure out why. I often feel I’m a lot different from people of the same age in many ways. We’ll talk about that some other time, okay?

Day 67: 25th May 2020(22:11)

Eid Mubarak. Yes, today is Eid-ul-Fitr. Probably the weirdest Eid in the history. Eid means happiness. This time, there’s no happiness around. We are all in a very tough time right now. Each day passes with anxiety. If you look at the numbers you will realize how much havoc this virus is causing. People are dying out there. I bet you had never or will ever have to hear the death news of so many people. I know I’m really not having that “Eid vibe”. To be honest, I never felt so much happy in Eids. There was a time when I used to get too excited for Eids. But now, I just shrug and pass the day like any other day. Something changed. Actually, a lot has changed. I miss those good ol’ days. At that time I wanted to grow up. Now I would give anything to go back to that time. Anything. How the tables have turned!

I wish one day all this will go away. We will once again have such a day when you won’t have to worry about people getting physically too close to you. I will again have some weird thoughts while having those “4-hour trips” to university and back. Anni and I will try to set the dates for our next meet. Those “Khanpur addas” will come back. I will smack Alif in the back of the head and he will turn around and say “tore ekdin mairai felmu (I will definitely kill you one day)”. I will once again become an attentive and enthusiastic student in my CS classes. That day will be the real Eid. Eid means happiness and that will be one hell of a happy day, my friend. The little things matter. Enjoy them while you can.

In sha Allah everything will be alright.

Day 83: 9th June, 2020(22:11)

We are now in the top 20. Within 16 days, the numbers have doubled.

Day 129: 9th June, 2020(22:27)

So, I’m back. After 46 days. Within these days, I’ve never looked up these numbers. You can say I was totally indifferent to how much COVID has spread. My days go by studying, playing games, sometimes I read and of course, social media and chatting. I wanted to write on the 100th day but somehow I couldn’t make up my mind. Maybe I was too afraid to look at the numbers or I was just too lazy. I don’t know. A lot has happened these days. Believe me a lot. I don’t want to share them here. Mostly because they aren’t incidents from my life. So I don’t have the “rights”. Hey, I’ve started learning German. I have just completed the basics. Hopefully, I’ll be able to complete the whole course before this lockdown ceases to exist. For some reasons, it feels good to start writing again. I tried to get some writing jobs but, well, maybe I’m not that good of a writer. Who knows? At this moment I’m listening to “Neshar Bojha” by Popeye. Whenever I listen to this song, two things pop up in my mind. Firstly, Alif ‘cause we’ve roasted him so many times using this song. Secondly, the fact that this singer can’t pronounce “ফ” properly. He pronounces it as “F”. I really have no idea why it bothers me so much. Maybe because of the fact that I’ve spent countless times under my “আবৃত্তি” (recitation of poetry) teachers’ supervision in my childhood. And now, I’m listening to “Hariye Giyechi” by Arnob. I love the line “আকাঙ্ক্ষা আর হতাশায় হারিয়ে জাবার কোনো মানে নেই(There’s no point in being lost to desire and despair)”. I love this line so much that if I wasn’t paying attention to the song when this line came up, I’d replay the whole song. Speaking of that, it just happened. Ah shit, here we go again. To me, this line has significance. Maybe because I know what it feels to have people expect you to do something and I also know what it feels like to completely blow that expectation. It is what it is, eh?

I’ve watched so many things these days, I can’t even remember them all. Recently, I’ve watched “Hamilton” and I was amazed by it. It’s a masterpiece. Also, I’ve watched season 1 & 2 of AOT and started watching One Piece.